When I was little, and I argued with my brother in the presence of my Savta, my grandmother, she would pull me aside and tell me, “Be nice to each other. When you grow up, your brother will be your best friend.” I’m sure she told him the same. I remember, in those moments, not believing her. As I grew older, I thought of my Savta as I reached a life stage where I saw my brother more as an ally than a rival. By now, with my brother living in a different part of the country, I look forward to the occasions we can be together, and I know there are things we share, things we understand in ways that few others do. When I watch my own children interact, I am frequently amazed both at their ability to help each other, guide each other, organize a plan together and accomplish great things, and at their ability to argue over the tiniest complaints, to stubbornly insist on getting their way about things that in another moment they might not care about at all, to completely deny the perspective of their brothers in the heat of an argument.
The book of Beresheet, Genesis, is rich in stories of sibling rivalry. It is only in the later part of the book, the part we are reaching now, that we begin to see deep sibling bonds, and the unique ability of siblings to accomplish great things through cooperation. In last week’s parsha, the children of Jacob (the ones whose descendents will come to be known as B’nai Yisrael, the children of Israel, named for their relationship as siblings) demonstrate both the aspect of bitter rivalry in their hatred of Joseph, and the aspect of cooperation, albeit in the unfortunate shared goal of ridding themselves of their hated brother.
It should come as no surprise that Joseph’s brothers, born into the painful sibling rivalry of their mothers, Rachel and Leah, are also drawn into rivalry among themselves. Their first forays into collaboration, in the last parsha or two, demonstrate the strength they gain by working together, but the ways that they use this newfound power, initially, are not accomplishments that they can be proud of.
This week’s parsha, Miketz, is a turning point. Joseph has risen to power in Egypt, in large part because of his ability to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams predicting famine. His family, meanwhile, back at home, are beginning to suffer from the famine and Jacob sends his ten eldest sons to Egypt to bring back food. When they arrive, Joseph is the person they need to approve their request for help. Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they do not know him. He waits to reveal his identity, testing them first to see if they have changed.
Joseph presses his brothers into revealing that they have another brother who is “gone” and one more who is younger and remains at home with their father. When Joseph insists on seeing the youngest, Benjamin, before approving their request for assistance, we see the brothers in a new light. They know how hard it will be for Jacob to send Benjamin on the journey. Judah takes full responsibility, promising to bring his youngest brother back safely. When Joseph threatens to keep Benjamin imprisoned in Egypt, Judah steps up again, offering himself instead of his brother. Joseph seeing that his brothers have truly grown and changed, relents, reveals himself and reconciles with his family, setting them up comfortably with food and place to live for as long as they want.
At this time of year, the story of the Maccabees looms large as well. The Maccabees begin as a band of five brothers, initially led by their father, and then by one of the brothers, Judah. While their revolutionary militia is made up of many people, the five brothers form the core. Here too, we see the power in the bond of siblings working together. The Maccabees, though not without fault, are viewed by our tradition as heroes, courageously taking on an oppressive regime far mightier than they.
How do the Maccabees learn to draw on the best elements of their sibling relationship? How is it that Joseph’s brothers are able to make such a turnaround from last parsha to this one? What allows anyone to tap into the healthiest, strongest part of a relationship, and avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy behavior patterns?
Perhaps a clue can be found in the well known and inspiring words found in the haftarah for the Shabbat of Hanukkah, the words of Zechariah, “Not by might, and not by power, but by My spirit says the Lord”. Following a prophecy of prosperity and ease, these words are offered as an explanation of what it all means.
Somewhere between selling Joseph into slavery, and arriving before him to ask for food, his brother come to understand that the strength that they possess together can be used for good or for bad, that the choice is theirs to make, and that choosing what is right, what is kind, what helps their brother, does not diminish their power. Joseph has learned this too. Each of them approaching the other, not brandishing their great power, but in full awareness of God’s spirit, is able to mend the relationship, and strengthen their family.
These brothers leave us the legacy of a strong and righteous sibling bond, a bond that just in last week’s parsha would have seemed impossible. So may it be for us, and for all of our children.
Shabbat Shalom and Happy Hanukkah.